I’m a creature of few habits, one of which being that it doesn’t matter where I live, I always have to read the daily paper. Here in the islands, it is no different; but instead of reading the paper for genuinely informative news articles, I’ve found increasing value in searching out the latest comedic gems from this rock, which can be almost shocking in contrast to everything I’m used to. My mornings have gotten much more entertaining, to say the least.

Sometimes the laughs come easy – all you need to do is read the headline….

“Mr Killa unleashes ‘Rolly Polly’ injection with full force –
Slim girls outnumbered Fat Girls at Club Ecstasy”

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Imagine the outrage and the protests that would ensue if that was published in the UK, the US, or Canada! Beyond this enticing headline, the body of the article (no pun intended) really delivered. Some snippets include:

“The challenge of the night though was to get the ‘Fat girls’ on stage for the expected gyration and injection of Mr Killa’s worldwide hottest soca ‘Rolly Polly’.”

“The first woman to get on the stage was a slim girl who according to Mr Killa
had a battle with herself determining whether she was fat or slim.”

“It took much effort for him to get the fattest of the fat girls on the stage
but once successful there was no turning back.”

Read the whole piece – trust me, you won’t be disappointed!

~

Then there are the headlines that make you pause in your page turning and go, “Huh?” like this recent find:

“Out of control vehicle slams 4 others – in Labour Dept parking lot”

If you’re like me, this is what you picture:

*click for image credit

But this is the reality:

*click for image credit

Of course, once I saw the pictures, I was instantly lured to the online comments section – the true treasure of my island’s paper. A small sampling for you:

“The drivers legs were probably still asleep from sitting in the labour office all day”

“Was running away with some body wife”
followed by… 
“The driver was a woman fool”
followed by…
“no surprise there”

“He just heard his girl was cheating lol”

“The poor lady probably just was rushing home to catch her husband
who was up to no good!”

“The statistics does not bode well for this type of road radge”

How people jumped to the above conclusions is anybody’s guess, but I say, thanks to all for the giggles to start my day!

~

Beauty pageant scandals are another world of headlines not to be missed…

“When Jesus says yes nobody can say no – Miss BVI 2014”

“Who’s to blame? will a 2nd Miss BVI be dethroned? – residents ask”

“Miss BVI 1st runner up seeks to clear family’s name”

” ‘2nd place not a failure’ – Miss BVI 1st Runner Up”

*click for image credit

Oh the controversy!

~

The entertainment is essentially endless. If it is a slow news day, you can always scan the weekly “Arrest Blotter” for some good old fashioned public shaming (take note: the crimes are bad, the comments are *gold*):

“Four inmates attend church”

“Man* admits to kicking police in groin.”

(*actual name omitted here)

“Woman allegedly beats man with piece of wood.”

” ‘Baby mama drama’ leads man to dime bag – Court hears.”

“Man* charged for Ganja farm at HMP!”

(*actual name omitted here)

~

Of course, sometimes you just don’t feel like reading the articles, and sometimes even the pictures just don’t cut it. It’s on these occasions that I recommend you take a little gander at the side advertisements. Today was one of those days for me, so I can leave you with this ad that caught my eye…

*click for image credit

What’s your favorite part about the island news on your rock?

Written By:

Melissa Brunner

Current Rock of Residence:

Tortola, BVI

Island Girl Since:

2013

Originally Hails From:

Western Canada

Melissa lives on Tortola in the BVI where she finds there is never a shortage of oddities and quirks that often make her question her thought process, or lack thereof, which got her here in the first place. While adapting to the ways of the island, she finds herself smiling and nodding regularly while having no idea what someone has just told her, drinking far more fermented beverages that one probably should, and in constant struggle to avoid the island’s one rogue white horse. Her life on a rock may not be what she had first imagined, but it comes with no shortage of amusement, delight, and the occasional good lesson.

Want to read more posts by this writer? Click here.

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