Don’t lie. Christmas music is blasting from your speakers and you are literally decorating the hell out of your halls. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and after the hurricanes we’ve just been through, it is time for celebration. For your supremely awesome culinary merriment-making, I have compiled a comprehensive how-to guide. You’re welcome.

Now let’s get baking, shall we?

– 1 –

Begin by driving or walking (or horseback riding) to your nearest grocer. Spend way too much money on what little festive cupcake decorations they have in a small seizure of nostalgia and longing. For the love of Christmas, does everything have to be marked up 40%?!

– 2 –

Stare halfheartedly at the kits in your kitchen for weeks as sickness and pure laziness manage to keep you from the simple act of baking cupcakes. Tomorrow will always be a more convenient time. Mañana, mañana…

– 3 –

Wake up full of promise and motivation, except that on your way to the coffee maker, the power goes out. This is not the Stone Age. Also, September and October gave you your fill of cooking in the dark, for lifetime. A new day has dawned. Go back to bed.

– 4 –

The following day, put on your big girl pants, and just do it. Believe your children are napping and set out all of your ingredients so you are irrevocably committed to this domestic endeavor. Your kids need these fond memories for their healthy emotional development. This is not mere indulgence, this is just straight up awesome parenting.

– 5 –

Set the mood with a killer Christmas playlist because you’re the best.

– 6 –

Curse silently (or not, totally up to you) as the clouds roll in like fluffy little grinches ruining your Christmas cheer with their wifi blocking schemes. Shrug it off quickly, because you’re just grateful to be alive and have a house.

– 7 –

Open all of your windows in preparation for the ensuing sweatfest your gas oven will create, as it spews fire for about an hour in ardent pursuit of 400°F.

– 8 –

Consider a glass of wine even though the microwave display is judging you with its 10am reading. Remember that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water to wine and Christmas is His birthday, sooooo…

– 9 –

Arm yourself with RAID because you are NOT going into THAT cupboard empty handed! It’s fine, you are a seasoned island champion, you’ve got this! Breathe a sigh of relief as only spiders and ants need to be removed from your muffin tin. Smile victoriously as you fetch your mixing bowls and don’t need to also wash out the lizard poop. It is a sign: the heavens are on your side of this baking war. The $40 you spent last week on Home Defense and glue traps seems to be working. Pat yourself on the back for being proactive.

– 10 –

Proceed with Santa Claus paper-lining and greasing.

– 11 –

Pull up this recipe because it looks amaze-balls! Is there a more perfect combination on earth than butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon?! It is your divine mandate to spread this kind of peace on Earth.

– 12 –

Get to measuring ingredients, but realize you forgot to put the opened bag of flour back into the refrigerator and now weevil minions are shacking up in your dry goods. No bueno. Resolve to try out recently discovered bay leaf prevention method to save having to flush more money down the toilet. But also, you are a good mom and have back up flour because… hurricanes. No need to panic today, my friends.

– 13 –

Finally, whip up those bad boys with ALL the holiday snap you can muster. Dance with abandon as you save the whole of humanity, one freaking delicious cinnamon roll cupcake at a time.

–   –   –

Will you be undertaking holiday baking on your rock this season? What’s your biggest challenge?

Written By:

Kelsi Folsom

Current Rock of Residence:

Saba, Dutch Caribbean

Island Girl Since:

June 2015

Originally Hails From:

San Antonio, Texas, USA

Kelsi Folsom was born singing, much to the chagrin of her parents. After indulging in everything from jazz to rap to 80s power ballads, she took her set of lungs to Anderson University to get “properly” trained. She has spent the majority of her operatic career cross-dressing, as most mezzo-sopranos do. She unexpectedly fell in love with a Maui boy shortly after graduation and temporarily traded in her audition heels for marriage and motherhood. Although the latter has made pursuing music a bit more difficult, she seizes whatever opportunities come her way like traveling to Guatemala six months pregnant with her daughter to do lead vocals with the Metro Big Band Jazz Orchestra, singing at church, and recording her first and only single a month before delivering said daughter. Her most recent performance was with Maui Onstage in their 2016 production of Guys and Dolls on her former rock of residence, Maui, HI, once again cross-dressing as a Crapshooter. Little did she know, the reason she felt like throwing up before each performance was because she was dancing around the stage pregnant with twins. 

Now a mom to three: a 2-year old daughter and 9 month old “miracle” twin boys, Kelsi currently makes her home on Saba, Dutch Caribbean where her husband attends medical school. She loves being an Island Mama, but could do without all the bugs/insects, and could do with a few more beaches on her particular rock. When she is not putting on her best “Cherubino” while changing dirty diapers, you can find her picking mangoes, *gasp* reading, making donuts with a toddler, swimming in the ocean, creating her own mixed drinks, enjoying a nap, or trying to make sense of her life over french press. She blogs at Shameless Beauty and her writing has been featured on Red Tent Living. She is still trying to get the hang of nomadic nesting, but is loving all the adventures that come alongside globetrotting with an ever expanding family. She is wondering at the odds of starting an opera company on Saba or at the very least, a club. Or maybe she will form an opera-calypso fusion band…

Here’s to dreaming big, island hopping, laughing a lot, and discovering all the beauty wrapped up in the world.

Want to read more posts by this writer? Click here.

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