Don’t lie. Christmas music is blasting from your speakers and you are literally decorating the hell out of your halls. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and after the hurricanes we’ve just been through, it is time for celebration. For your supremely awesome culinary merriment-making, I have compiled a comprehensive how-to guide. You’re welcome.
Now let’s get baking, shall we?
– 1 –
Begin by driving or walking (or horseback riding) to your nearest grocer. Spend way too much money on what little festive cupcake decorations they have in a small seizure of nostalgia and longing. For the love of Christmas, does everything have to be marked up 40%?!
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Stare halfheartedly at the kits in your kitchen for weeks as sickness and pure laziness manage to keep you from the simple act of baking cupcakes. Tomorrow will always be a more convenient time. Mañana, mañana…
– 3 –
Wake up full of promise and motivation, except that on your way to the coffee maker, the power goes out. This is not the Stone Age. Also, September and October gave you your fill of cooking in the dark, for lifetime. A new day has dawned. Go back to bed.
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The following day, put on your big girl pants, and just do it. Believe your children are napping and set out all of your ingredients so you are irrevocably committed to this domestic endeavor. Your kids need these fond memories for their healthy emotional development. This is not mere indulgence, this is just straight up awesome parenting.
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Set the mood with a killer Christmas playlist because you’re the best.
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Curse silently (or not, totally up to you) as the clouds roll in like fluffy little grinches ruining your Christmas cheer with their wifi blocking schemes. Shrug it off quickly, because you’re just grateful to be alive and have a house.
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Open all of your windows in preparation for the ensuing sweatfest your gas oven will create, as it spews fire for about an hour in ardent pursuit of 400°F.
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Consider a glass of wine even though the microwave display is judging you with its 10am reading. Remember that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water to wine and Christmas is His birthday, sooooo…
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Arm yourself with RAID because you are NOT going into THAT cupboard empty handed! It’s fine, you are a seasoned island champion, you’ve got this! Breathe a sigh of relief as only spiders and ants need to be removed from your muffin tin. Smile victoriously as you fetch your mixing bowls and don’t need to also wash out the lizard poop. It is a sign: the heavens are on your side of this baking war. The $40 you spent last week on Home Defense and glue traps seems to be working. Pat yourself on the back for being proactive.
– 10 –
Proceed with Santa Claus paper-lining and greasing.
– 11 –
Pull up this recipe because it looks amaze-balls! Is there a more perfect combination on earth than butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon?! It is your divine mandate to spread this kind of peace on Earth.
– 12 –
Get to measuring ingredients, but realize you forgot to put the opened bag of flour back into the refrigerator and now weevil minions are shacking up in your dry goods. No bueno. Resolve to try out recently discovered bay leaf prevention method to save having to flush more money down the toilet. But also, you are a good mom and have back up flour because… hurricanes. No need to panic today, my friends.
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Finally, whip up those bad boys with ALL the holiday snap you can muster. Dance with abandon as you save the whole of humanity, one freaking delicious cinnamon roll cupcake at a time.
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Will you be undertaking holiday baking on your rock this season? What’s your biggest challenge?