The cruise ship horns are blasting. The streets are bustling with wide-eyed people donned in Hawaiian print. The smell of aerosol sunscreen spray fills the hot tropical air and stings your eyes. This can only mean one thing…peak tourist season is upon us.

The selfish part of me longs for those quiet September Saturdays – the days where the only footprints on the beach for miles belonged to me and my dog. The reasonable side of me comprehends that tourist season is an absolute necessity – we need the hotels, bars, and restaurants to be hopping in order for our little island, and all the people who depend on tourism for their livelihood, to prosper. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike tourists. I think it’s pretty cool that I live in a place where people vacation. I feel proud to show off this beautiful island in which I am lucky enough to live. In fact, I’m often a tourist myself, venturing off our little island to explore new and exciting places. However, after nearly five years of life observing tourist behaviour in Cayman, I am conscientious of annoying tourist behaviours. In other words, when I am exploring another country, I try my best NOT to be an annoying tourist.

What constitutes an annoying tourist, you ask? How do you royally piss people off when you are vacationing in their place of residence? I have generated my top 5 list of ways you can annoy the crap out of people when you are on vacation.

1. Give zero F’s about rules, laws, and regulations. You are on vacation! Rules do not apply to you! Traffic lights, stop signs, pedestrian crossings – those are just strong suggestions. Cross the street willy nilly! Bonus points if you hold your hand out in front of you while you step in front of moving vehicles, indicating that traffic must stop for you. Double bonus points if you are quarrelling with your spouse while you are doing this.
2. Wear as little clothing as possible. I’m not just talking about the beach, people! Don your tiniest bikini and speedo in grocery stores, pharmacies, and souvenir shops. Nothing makes a resident happier than reaching past your exposed g-stringed ass to grab some yogurt from the dairy case. Bonus points if you are bare foot.
3. Complain incessantly about the cost of everything. As the waitress is waiting to take your order, take as much time as you need to calculate the exchange rate and loudly exclaim, “That’s $20 US for a Pina colada?! Deb sells those back in Idaho for $5!”
4. Compare the beaches to every other vacation destination you have visited. Ensure that a resident of the island knows that you much prefer the beaches in insert name of random beach here . Bonus points if you can corner a resident and explain, in detail, just how much wider the Floribama shore is than this overrated tropical beach.
5. Regardless of where you are and who is around you, do everything possible to capture the perfect Instagram. Wandering downtown in a large crowd of people? Stop! Who knows if you will ever see a chicken crossing a road ever again? You take that picture, add the filter, create a clever hashtag #whydidthechickencrosstheroad, and post that sucker to Insta. The crowd of people who you’ve just halted in the street can wait. After all, you are on vacation!