Island News: Hot Off The Press!

Written by: Melissa B

 

I’m a creature of few habits, one of which being that it doesn’t matter where I live, I always have to read the daily paper. Here in the islands, it is no different; but instead of reading the paper for genuinely informative news articles, I’ve found increasing value in searching out the latest comedic gems from this rock, which can be almost shocking in contrast to everything I’m used to. My mornings have gotten much more entertaining, to say the least.

Sometimes the laughs come easy – all you need to do is read the headline….

“Mr Killa unleashes ‘Rolly Polly’ injection with full force –
Slim girls outnumbered Fat Girls at Club Ecstasy”

*click for image credit

Imagine the outrage and the protests that would ensue if that was published in the UK, the US, or Canada! Beyond this enticing headline, the body of the article (no pun intended) really delivered. Some snippets include:

“The challenge of the night though was to get the ‘Fat girls’ on stage for the expected gyration and injection of Mr Killa’s worldwide hottest soca ‘Rolly Polly’.”

“The first woman to get on the stage was a slim girl who according to Mr Killa
had a battle with herself determining whether she was fat or slim.”

“It took much effort for him to get the fattest of the fat girls on the stage
but once successful there was no turning back.”

Read the whole piece – trust me, you won’t be disappointed!

~

Then there are the headlines that make you pause in your page turning and go, “Huh?” like this recent find:

“Out of control vehicle slams 4 others – in Labour Dept parking lot”

If you’re like me, this is what you picture:

*click for image credit

But this is the reality:

*click for image credit

Of course, once I saw the pictures, I was instantly lured to the online comments section – the true treasure of my island’s paper. A small sampling for you:

“The drivers legs were probably still asleep from sitting in the labour office all day”

“Was running away with some body wife”
followed by… 
“The driver was a woman fool”
followed by…
“no surprise there”

“He just heard his girl was cheating lol”

“The poor lady probably just was rushing home to catch her husband
who was up to no good!”

“The statistics does not bode well for this type of road radge”

How people jumped to the above conclusions is anybody’s guess, but I say, thanks to all for the giggles to start my day!

~

Beauty pageant scandals are another world of headlines not to be missed…

“When Jesus says yes nobody can say no – Miss BVI 2014”

“Who’s to blame? will a 2nd Miss BVI be dethroned? – residents ask”

“Miss BVI 1st runner up seeks to clear family’s name”

” ‘2nd place not a failure’ – Miss BVI 1st Runner Up”

*click for image credit

Oh the controversy!

~

The entertainment is essentially endless. If it is a slow news day, you can always scan the weekly “Arrest Blotter” for some good old fashioned public shaming (take note: the crimes are bad, the comments are *gold*):

“Four inmates attend church”

“Man* admits to kicking police in groin.”

(*actual name omitted here)

“Woman allegedly beats man with piece of wood.”

” ‘Baby mama drama’ leads man to dime bag – Court hears.”

“Man* charged for Ganja farm at HMP!”

(*actual name omitted here)

~

Of course, sometimes you just don’t feel like reading the articles, and sometimes even the pictures just don’t cut it. It’s on these occasions that I recommend you take a little gander at the side advertisements. Today was one of those days for me, so I can leave you with this ad that caught my eye…

*click for image credit

What’s your favorite part about the island news on your rock?

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Melissa Brunner

About Melissa Brunner

Melissa lives on Tortola in the BVI where she finds there is never a shortage of oddities and quirks that often make her question her thought process, or lack thereof, which got her here in the first place. While adapting to the ways of the island, she finds herself smiling and nodding regularly while having no idea what someone has just told her, drinking far more fermented beverages that one probably should, and in constant struggle to avoid the island’s one rogue white horse. Her life on a rock may not be what she had first imagined, but it comes with no shortage of amusement, delight, and the occasional good lesson.

CURRENT ROCK OF RESIDENCE: Tortola, BVI

ISLAND GIRL SINCE: 2013

ORIGINALLY HAILS FROM: Western Canada

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14 thoughts on “Island News: Hot Off The Press!

  1. Island newspapers should not be read immediately after drinking coffee, and just prior to visiting the ladies room! Far too risky on the old bladder control. Since you mentioned advertisements, which can be priceless I agree, my absolute favorites weren’t print ads at all. But have you watched local TV long enough to catch the truly AMAZING productions by the (unnamed) undertaker/funeral home on STT? Fabulous, glittering, shiny…way better than new car ads….as if you’re just dying to jump right into one of the gorgeous white hearses for your last ride!

  2. LOL @ the ad! Hopefully that’s at “Tootsy’s”; a place I’ve never physically seen, but have no idea how many billboards I have. I always feel.weird when calling my son “Tootsy” on STT lol

  3. I really liked your article and — oh, so true! I thought: ‘This island sounds just like the BVI ” and then I saw — it IS the BVI! The comments in the on-line newspapers can make a book onto themselves!

  4. I remember one from a few years back about a man violating a cow in Dominica, and the trial that followed. The online papers were quite explicit in publishing the witness statements and testimonies in court, but it was one that you couldn’t help but follow, just to read what they’d actually say next! If you Google “Dominica Cow Assault Trial” you’ll see what I mean – some of the articles are still available.

    • Thanks Cerfio, of course I just had to go look that one up! The details in the article itself were abundant enough but I just got lost for a solid hour in the comments section…….yikes!

  5. Thanks for reminding us to keep a good sense of humor. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. BTW that STT funeral home… Their motto used to be (and I could never make up something like this) “And Remember, at *** Funeral Home – We’re the Last Ones to Ever Let You Down”.

    • Nope, you definitely can’t make something like that up! I better start observing some of the island business mottos, it sounds like a whole new source of entertainment!

  6. Great piece! I looove the comments section – it’s like the prize at the bottom of a CrackerJacks box – you never know what you’re going to find! Although I’m on a different rock now, I still check back to the BVI publications because they have such a great flare for the dramatic and utterly unthinkable headlines!

  7. These are too funny!!!!

    Melissa, I’m looking for your contact info…RTR Media (www.rtrmedia.com) is producing a pilot for Food Network Canada about expat Canadians who’ve left the grind to open a restaurant in paradise. I’m reaching out to Canadian expats all over for any tips and help finding the right people. Let me know if you know of a Canadian in paradise making amazing food that would like to be a part of this new series.

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