How to Feel Sexy with Island Swamp Ass

Written by: LAURIE DAMRON

 

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It’s just not possible. Sorry to disappoint with that title, but it did give you hope for a minute, didn’t it? As we find ourselves at the apex of the extra-humid months here on island, let’s face it – there isn’t a lot you can do to feel sexy. Sweat, no matter where it is on the body, isn’t really an ideal accessory to your come hither look.

Warning: to any men reading this, please proceed at your own risk.
#GirlTalk ahead.

If you are new to the islands, you might be wondering, what is “swamp ass”? And if you have to ask, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Sometimes called “boat butt”, it is that uncomfortable feeling you get in places we don’t talk about after sitting around in a wet bathing suit all day (or just plain sweating all day). I think it goes without saying that it’s very uncomfortable sitting around in your own bodily juices for any length of time. It brings back memories you never knew you had of being a baby stuck in a wet diaper. Now you know why babies cry so much. If you’re an island girl, you find yourself wanting – needing – to talk about it with your closest of friends, but you always wait for someone else to bring it up first. Do you REALLY want to be the girl who starts that conversation?

So why am I starting the conversation? Someone has to. I was recently interviewed by a writer from Islands magazine doing a Q&A with me for a monthly feature called, “Living the Life”.  He asked the question, “What is the one thing you did not expect about living in the islands?” Without hesitation, my immediate response was, “Swamp ass.” And then in my head, I thought #nofilter, and wished that I had a better screening process between my brain and mouth. A silly, nervous laugh and then a quick “that was off the record” statement by me, I went on and replied with a different answer.

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But it really got me thinking… someone needs to write about this, let other girls know about it, and share remedies. You can’t ask your man friends because they will deny ever having experienced it even though deep down they know that we know they get it too. It’s even worse when you have it and are forced to spend your day out in the heat in clothes that don’t breathe. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable. You become slippery and can disgust even your own self. If you are on a boat and the mate changes bathing suits throughout the day, it’s a sure sign she has it. Ever see someone who walks a little funny? Yep, they got it. Humid months are the worst, and places with no A/C can be a recipe for disaster. Make sure you never ever sit in an unbreathable chair. Thank God there is very little leather furniture in the islands.

So I polled some of my closest island gal pals and inquired what their tried and true remedies for swamp ass are. I present the following findings:

1) Powder.

You’re not an island girl if you don’t have a huge container of some kind of powder you bought in bulk sitting in your bathroom. It is definitely a rock life necessity. Which is probably why it is never on sale at Kmart.

2) Always bring a change of bathing suit with you when you know you will be out for an extended amount of time.

Spending the day on a boat where you will be going in and out of the water, in and out of bars, back and forth from your boat to Soggy Dollar Bar – an extra bathing suit (or two) is a must have when you pack your bag for the day. That, along with your passport card, are the only real necessities; everything else you will be OK without.

3) If you are going to be out in the sun all day hiking or working in the outdoors and know you won’t be able to go home before your next adventure, an extra pair of panties is needed.

Not just any panties, but cotton ones. And yes, I hate to say it, but that one pair of granny panties you own. You know the ones. Bring them or wear them, but for goodness sake, if your adventure finds you going home with that hot guy you’ve had your eye on, be sure to ditch the granny panties before you disrobe. That is, if a second date is your goal.

4) Lastly, you can try to remedy your swamp ass and feel a bit sexy at the same time by choosing to liberate of all the “hair down there”.

Whether you wax it off or use a razor, it will help you rid yourself of pent-up moisture. As an added bonus, you may find yourself feeling a bit on the sensual side.

  –   –   –

Will you acclimate after living here for a while? Sorry – that’s a big nope! It’s the price of paradise. It’s just a part of the island girl package. One last hint though: when all else fails, go to the drugstore and buy the big bottle of Chlorhexidine Gluconate solution and scrub. Believe it or not, it works. But do yourself a favor and be sure you don’t leave it in your shower for everyone to see. It’s a sure sign you’ve succumbed to being a Swamp Monster.

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Laurie Damron

About Laurie Damron

Laurie is an island girl who has been residing on St John since 2002. Considering a permanent move, Laurie and her husband came to St. John on a vacation to look at houses and job opportunities. While he was looking at houses, she was looking at jobs, and the Westin resort hired her on the spot and said she needed to back within 2 months to start her job. She actually wasn’t even sure what the job was they hired her for. In her enthusiasm, she had neglected to ask what the job might be. Apparently minor details never cross her mind. Two months later, Laurie moved into the house they purchased, and her husband caught up nearly a year later after selling and moving them out of their California home.

Laurie found out that her job would be working with the bell staff, and she spent months acclimating to the hot sun hauling luggage up and down steps and across the multi-acre resort, in and out of hotel rooms, safari trucks, boats, and golf carts wearing long pants and wallowing in "swamp ass". She later traded in that job for many others including working on a luxury day charter wallowing in "boat butt" and finally found her true calling volunteering for the Animal Care Center and thus working at the local vet's office where she gets to be with dogs all day. When she goes home at night, she gets to play with more dogs as she now has 5 island dogs, though her husband is close to cutting her off.

She loves her island home and loves that she can leave her home not looking her best on any given morning to run errands, grab her mail, visit with friends and no one cares. Whether necessary or not, Laurie gets a pedicure once a year. She makes it a point to not remove her toenail polish instead enjoying watching how long it takes for the color to grow out.

Laurie used to swim every day and has made it her goal to get back into the routine and prepare for a sprint triathlon on her next birthday. In her spare time, she and her theme-park-designer husband have created a company called Amora, the Essence of St. John, which makes and sells bamboo reed room diffusers, Island AirSprays, and colorful lip butters in tasty island flavors like painkiller, bushwhacker, and many other island scents and flavors.

Laurie’s dream is to someday meet the people of Shark Tank and have them offer her a deal so she can retire and "lime it" on the Caribbean rock she calls home.

Current Rock of Residence: St. John, USVI

Island Girl Since: 2002

Originally Hails From: Andover, MA

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37 thoughts on “How to Feel Sexy with Island Swamp Ass

  1. Been there, and can totally sympathize!
    Found something a couple of years ago….we ride motorcycles for very long-distances in the heat….that the guys raved about. Now they make a “Lady” version of Monkey Butt Powder.
    It’s available at Amazon now. Hope this helps.
    XO

  2. Might want to test the Chlorhexidine Gluconate on a small patch of skin first. I am pretty sure that is what they gave me as a pre-surgery, all over scrub and shower. Surgery went fine but I was itchy for days.

    • Good Point Val. I use it at work all day and have a watered down version for home. My skin is immune, but more sensitive skin might find it not so nice to them.

  3. Sounds counterproductive but if you use a thin layer of baby oil in those spots then your skin is protected from all of the wetness.

  4. I am a soap maker here on Utila Bay Islands Honduras. Made a batch of peppermint essential oil, coconut oil, cocoa butter and oatmeal soap. Awesome! Can’t keep it in stock. Use it everywhere, even as shampoo! Cooling and cleaning.
    Always Sharon

    • Oh I love that. I make soap but have never thought of that option to “sooth the burn”…may have to play with the recipes. 🙂

  5. My remedy: boat kit. Includes (but not limited to) leave in conditioner, hairbrush, lighter, bottle opener, mini first aid, tampon, baby wipes, mint and chapstick. All in small dry bag. Then in backpack, RAINJACKET, extra cover up in which you don’t need bathing suit under (not see through), towel, sunscreen. Always taking wet bathing suit off and exchange for new cover up and/or rain jacket over. ☺
    It’s taken me 3 years to develop this. Inspired by.. Willy T trips

    • Your boat kit is awesome. Wish I had something like that when I worked on the water. Great inspiration too….

  6. Oh I can relate! Gold bond foot powder works well…. it is also very cooling. If you get chaffed thighs put antiperspirant on them – that really helps.

  7. LMAO, been there and as a dive instructor its worse….can’t just up and change on a dive boat with customers close at hand and the head so small you can’t turn around…

    • Oh Ann – I feel your pain. I was lucky when I worked on a bot. It was REQUIRED you change out of your bathing suite as soon as you got back on board. But it was never fun putting it back on wet at the next stop. Dive boats need a bigger head. 🙂

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