It’s just not possible. Sorry to disappoint with that title, but it did give you hope for a minute, didn’t it? As we find ourselves at the apex of the extra-humid months here on island, let’s face it – there isn’t a lot you can do to feel sexy. Sweat, no matter where it is on the body, isn’t really an ideal accessory to your come hither look.

Warning: to any men reading this, please proceed at your own risk.
#GirlTalk ahead.

If you are new to the islands, you might be wondering, what is “swamp ass”? And if you have to ask, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Sometimes called “boat butt”, it is that uncomfortable feeling you get in places we don’t talk about after sitting around in a wet bathing suit all day (or just plain sweating all day). I think it goes without saying that it’s very uncomfortable sitting around in your own bodily juices for any length of time. It brings back memories you never knew you had of being a baby stuck in a wet diaper. Now you know why babies cry so much. If you’re an island girl, you find yourself wanting – needing – to talk about it with your closest of friends, but you always wait for someone else to bring it up first. Do you REALLY want to be the girl who starts that conversation?

So why am I starting the conversation? Someone has to. I was recently interviewed by a writer from Islands magazine doing a Q&A with me for a monthly feature called, “Living the Life”.  He asked the question, “What is the one thing you did not expect about living in the islands?” Without hesitation, my immediate response was, “Swamp ass.” And then in my head, I thought #nofilter, and wished that I had a better screening process between my brain and mouth. A silly, nervous laugh and then a quick “that was off the record” statement by me, I went on and replied with a different answer.

But it really got me thinking… someone needs to write about this, let other girls know about it, and share remedies. You can’t ask your man friends because they will deny ever having experienced it even though deep down they know that we know they get it too. It’s even worse when you have it and are forced to spend your day out in the heat in clothes that don’t breathe. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable. You become slippery and can disgust even your own self. If you are on a boat and the mate changes bathing suits throughout the day, it’s a sure sign she has it. Ever see someone who walks a little funny? Yep, they got it. Humid months are the worst, and places with no A/C can be a recipe for disaster. Make sure you never ever sit in an unbreathable chair. Thank God there is very little leather furniture in the islands.

So I polled some of my closest island gal pals and inquired what their tried and true remedies for swamp ass are. I present the following findings:

1) Powder.

You’re not an island girl if you don’t have a huge container of some kind of powder you bought in bulk sitting in your bathroom. It is definitely a rock life necessity. Which is probably why it is never on sale at Kmart.

2) Always bring a change of bathing suit with you when you know you will be out for an extended amount of time.

Spending the day on a boat where you will be going in and out of the water, in and out of bars, back and forth from your boat to Soggy Dollar Bar – an extra bathing suit (or two) is a must have when you pack your bag for the day. That, along with your passport card, are the only real necessities; everything else you will be OK without.

3) If you are going to be out in the sun all day hiking or working in the outdoors and know you won’t be able to go home before your next adventure, an extra pair of panties is needed.

Not just any panties, but cotton ones. And yes, I hate to say it, but that one pair of granny panties you own. You know the ones. Bring them or wear them, but for goodness sake, if your adventure finds you going home with that hot guy you’ve had your eye on, be sure to ditch the granny panties before you disrobe. That is, if a second date is your goal.

4) Lastly, you can try to remedy your swamp ass and feel a bit sexy at the same time by choosing to liberate of all the “hair down there”.

Whether you wax it off or use a razor, it will help you rid yourself of pent-up moisture. As an added bonus, you may find yourself feeling a bit on the sensual side.

  –   –   –

Will you acclimate after living here for a while? Sorry – that’s a big nope! It’s the price of paradise. It’s just a part of the island girl package. One last hint though: when all else fails, go to the drugstore and buy the big bottle of Chlorhexidine Gluconate solution and scrub. Believe it or not, it works. But do yourself a favor and be sure you don’t leave it in your shower for everyone to see. It’s a sure sign you’ve succumbed to being a Swamp Monster.