1 – FREAKING SLOW DOWNLOAD SPEED
I’ve just bought an album on iTunes and the download time is currently 3 hours 25 minutes. Jesus, I’m premenstrual. By the time it downloads, I won’t even want the album anymore. I only bought it because Miriam Makeba was the Google doodle the other day. I have no idea who she is, except that she is dead.
2 – FRESH PRODUCE IS ON SALE ON TUESDAY
…and my day off is Saturday. Picture a hot, humid climate that manages to grow mold on your clean, dry clothes in your closet. Now you do the math to predict the state of affairs at the shop by the time I get there.
3 – WHEN EVERYONE WEARS A WIG, THERE’S NO MARKET FOR SHAMPOO
In a country where the majority of the population has a new wig or weave every week, no one cares about shampoo – least of all shampoo for blondes. The last time I bought off the shelf, I was overwhelmed by the most foul smell the first and only time I used it. It sure as hell wasn’t grapefruit. Oh wait – silly me, it was garlic infused shampoo. What genius came up with that splendid idea? Needless to say, I’m currently using conditioner to wash my hair. Next week, I predict I’ll be on to bar soap…or perhaps a black wig.
4 – THE ONLY PETROL STATION IS AT THE OTHER END OF THE ISLAND
Roughly 14 km away. I have nothing further to add.
5 – THE COCKEREL WHO’S MOVED IN DOWN THE STREET
Dawn is currently breaking over here at about 5:45 am. I would accept the cock-a-doodle-do-ing at that hour; I’d even take 5 am, but the crazy bastard starts up at 2 am. It is only a matter of time before one of the stray dogs, who seem to be equally irritated by this new comer on the block, eats him. Please God, the cockerel must die or you may have to hold me responsible for a massacre.
6 – THE FACT THAT I KEEP FORGETTING TO BUY TONIC OR TING (AN ISLAND VERSION OF LILT, BUT WITHOUT THE PINEAPPLE) TO MIX WITH MY GIN
7 – WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE… YET NOT A FRESH FISH TO BE FOUND
How is it possible that I am surrounded by water and there isn’t a fish market nearby? Everything comes in frozen and more often than not, all the way from Thailand (apparently, one of the world’s largest fish exporters). Can it really be because everyone here is too busy eating fried chicken wings? The Rastaman has promised to fill my fridge/freezer with fish next time he goes fishing, but I am beginning to think that he will finally win the Puerto Rican Lottery before he goes fishing again….in which case we’ll just go straight to the source and move to Thailand.
8 – MY ADDICTION TO GUINESS
I have recently discovered that I am anemic. So, much against my wishes, I have taken to drinking Guinness everyday for medicinal reasons. Except it isn’t lovely, velvety draught Guinness – it is paint-stripping Guinness Export, 7% alc/vol. I might as well be a bag lady drinking special brew out of a brown paper bag on a bench. Oh, how the sophisticated have fallen.
9 – I LIVE ON AN ISLAND YET HAVE TO DRIVE 15 MINUTES TO GET TO A BEACH
Shouldn’t that be the perk of living on an island? That a beach is never more than a 5 minute walk away? Alas, no. It perpetually taunts me: all that blue water sparkling and winking at me, just out of reach.
10 – I HAVE AN OVERWHELMING NEED TO BUY SHOES
Right now, I would pay good money to be teleported to Kurt Geiger to browse the shelves. I don’t want a platform, I don’t want a chunky heel, and I don’t want diamante studs. I just want a pure, unadulterated stiletto. Don’t ask me where I’d wear them. I just need them. Now.
Anyway, on to the gin.