I’m not a big fan of spa treatments.  It’s all a bit too touchy-feely for me.  A decent pedicure is pretty much my limit.  Typically, I will only get a spa treatment if I am on holiday or overwhelmed by guilt.  The main reason being that unnecessary expenses can always be justified with the tag ‘I’m on holiday’ and also because most touristy places have spas on every corner, advertising their life changing treatments and you get sucked in by it all after awhile. Living in a country which is effectively one big tourist resort messes with my head a bit. As for the guilt, I will get to that shortly.

I visit a spa here for one reason and one reason only: the essential bikini wax.  It’s the downside of living by the sea – you need to be bikini ready everyday.  Imagine being a porn star and needing to be sex ready all the time, the mind boggles. Finding someone who would wax properly over here was a struggle and a situation that I have had to compromise on.  There were trial and error attempts with those who wouldn’t take enough off and those who had no sense of symmetry.  Admit it – there is nothing worse or more infuriating than a wonky wax. I finally settled on a woman who, quite valiantly, simply takes the lot off.  Like I said, a compromise situation.

But this is where the guilt comes in. Being a beautician is pretty low on my list of jobs I could tolerate doing, but if that is what you enjoy, I commend you.  However, I always think that waxing must be the job that every beautician hates the most.  I presume they enjoy the rest of it, but they must surely release a deep sigh when they look down their list of appointments and see a wax job in there.  Whenever you go for a wax, beauticians always try to up-sell. They constantly tell you about all the other pointless crap they do which is going to change your life and make you feel rejuvenated and born again.  So there comes a point  when I feel so overwhelmed by guilt that this poor women, month in and month out, waxes my VJ, that I say ‘yes’ and agree to have one of her ‘treatments’.  I’m not even Catholic.  I shouldn’t give in to guilt, but damn it, every time I fall for it…….and every time I regret it, almost instantaneously.

Last week, in a moment of weakness, I agreed to a massage.  It is my opinion that the only person who should massage me is a lover.  I really don’t want anyone else to touch me anymore than is absolutely necessary.  But, like I said, the guilt makes me commit to stupid things. On this occasion, I convinced myself that at the very least, the oil would smell nice and my back did need some moisturiser, so I really had nothing to lose.

From the first minute, I started to wonder how long it would last – when would it end?  I soon realised that I was in for the long haul.  She did each leg, she did each arm, she did my back, she did my feet, she did my hands.  She kept making happy comments and asking me to confirm how great it was.  I was counting seconds, I was counting sheep, I was making lists, anything to take my mind of this horrible experience.  I hate being touched. How had I walked into this situation with open eyes?  Am I really that thick? Why did I agree to this? She’s a beautician, waxing is her job, you don’t need to punish yourself, she chose her career, maybe she even likes waxing? To make matters worse, the oil did not smell good. It was a familiar smell, but one I couldn’t place.  She then poured it in my hair, with the belated question, “Oil in your hair? It’s ok?”.  I’m English, so out of my mouth spilled forth the words, “Sure, it’s ok, it’s great!” while inside, I was screaming for the experience to end and fighting the urge to bolt.  With the oil now running down my forehead, I could finally place the smell.  It smelled like barbecued beef, ergo, I now smelled like barbecued beef. Would this never end?

Finally she stopped and I was free to go.  She was all smiles and totally delighted with herself.  I was struggling to maintain my fake smile.

“I use special Ayurvedic Indian massage oil, you like?”

“I loved it, it was great!” I replied, while inwardly contemplating the fact that as cows are sacred in Hindu culture, whether this was the reason to have a massage oil that was eau de vache?

“Leave it on for 1 hour and then have a cool shower and you will feel great.”

I never discovered if I would feel great. Coated in beef drippings, I drove home as fast as possible and dove into a steaming hot shower and scrubbed and soaped up until the entire experience was a distant memory, to all but my bank balance.

6 months of guilt-free waxing now lie ahead before my next sensational spa treatment. Hot stones or exfoliating scrub?